An Author in Our Midst. . .

16 Nov

Holy Smokes: Something cool happened today.

Ryan M came up to me after math with a quick story that he’d written during some free time in math class. “Would you read this, Mr. F?”

It took me a few periods to get through, but when I did, I was BLOWN AWAY. Check it out and tell Ryan what you think of his work. I know I was IMPRESSED.

Mr. F

___________________

The howling wind whistled through the trees as if sending a message. It was a cold, December night in the old village. The portal would open in just five minutes. Everyone was waiting in the town square, circling the fire they had started.

“Five minutes,” Will thought, “I can wait that long.”

The citizens had been trapped in this dimension for four years now. It had felt so long and so boring. “How many minutes NOW?” a voice from the back called.

“Just two more,” a woman in the front answered.

Will had lived with only his sister Brooke for the whole four years. He hoped that when he got back, his parents would recognize him.

“One minute!” the same woman called.

Brooke held his hand tightly. She was only five. She was an infant when the disaster had occurred.

One boy in the front started a countdown: “Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven.”

(“What if it doesn’t open?” thought Will.)

“Four. Three. Two. ONE!”

A bright yellow glow lit the dark town. A loud inhale came out of many people. “The portal’s only open for one minute! Come on!”

Everybody shuffled into the glowing circle until it shut off. Darkness. Nothing. Only three or four people had made it in. The fire had gone out.

The rest were left in the shadows wondering.

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7 Responses to “An Author in Our Midst. . .”

  1. Kenna K November 16, 2011 at 12:14 pm #

    I think that’s a really good story Ryan. You should continue to write this story ,it could go on a bit longer. You could eventually make it into a novel.

    Your story line and writing is really good. Maybe you’ll write books when you get older. You could ask Mr.F for some advice on books, seeing he’s written three.

  2. MrHodgson November 16, 2011 at 11:25 pm #

    You did a nice job on your story, Ryan. I liked how you built suspense right from the start (I kept wondering, what are they counting down to?) and you had me thinking of what happens next (maybe you will write that story, too?). I wonder: was your story was inspired by any other stories that you have read? Who’s your favorite author?
    Mr. Hodgson
    Southampton, MA

    • Ryan M. November 21, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

      Mr. Hodgson,

      First off, thank you for the praise on my short story!I’m glad that you liked it.

      I really like to add suspense at the beginning to keep the readers reading. It’s fun to have them on a cliffhanger at the end.

      I noticed that everyone who has commented has asked for a follow-up. I wasn’t going to do it when I only saw one person who wanted it, but now that there are several people, I think I will.

      – Ryan M.

      P.S. I’m not really sure who my favorite author is. I’m still deciding between Suzanne Collins, Neil Gaiman, and Brian Selznick.

  3. Ryan M. November 17, 2011 at 12:12 pm #

    Thanks for the great support, Kenna!

    Just one thing. I honestly think that it would be better to leave the story like this than keep going. I’ve written full stories in the past, and they haven’t come out good at all. Usually, the short stories come out better.

    Also, it’s sometimes better to leave the reader hooked at the end so they can create their own story.

  4. Gracie C. November 18, 2011 at 8:49 pm #

    WOW! What a cliffhanger! I agree that you should continue with the story but it was awesome.

  5. Ryan M. November 22, 2011 at 11:31 pm #

    Alright everyone, I finished two openings to the 1st part of the story.

    This first one continues the story from my stopping point.

    Mayor Marshall had been scolded many times by these townspeople, but none worse than this.

    “Why didn’t the portal stay open!?” One of the citizens hollered from the middle of the crowd. This question created a large uproar, everybody in the group screaming and bellowing angry comments and questions.

    “Quiet, quiet I say!” Mayor Marshall yelled over the crowd. “This doesn’t make any sense to me either! The mystery man told us that the portal would open for one minute at that very second!”

    “The mystery man never really told us the truth. We shouldn’t have trusted him. He told us that he would make our lives better, but no. He made our lives horrid. He put us here in this dungeon of a place with all of these vicious animals.” A creepy man said, stepping out of the shadows.

    Will thought back to the first day of his “new life”. It had been a nightmare. Many people were taken away that day by the animals that were never seen again. That very night, Mayor Marshall forced the builders to create a fence surrounding the entire city. That world was enormous. His world, though, was not.

    This second one uses a flashback scene.

    “Come with me, people,” the man in black called. Everybody followed the man, with confused looks in their eyes.

    “The portal,” the man stated, “is the passageway to all dimensions. Now, come with me.” Everyone, once again, followed him, this time into a glowing yellow circle. Will knew something was wrong, but he couldn’t control himself. He grasped his sister, Brooke’s hand tightly. He walked uncontrollably into the light.

    When the people finally reached their destination, the man told them the portal would open in four years. He then clenched his fists and disappeared into the thin air. Terrible roaring noises boomed from the forest. A giant cat-like creature leaped out of the woods and grabbed two of the people. They screamed for help, but no one had the nerve to help them.

    A man with the name of Floyd Marshall stepped forward and commanded some of the men in the group to take the remains of the portal door and create a fence surrounding a large area. The men did exactly that. Six hours later, Mr. Marshall told the people to dig holes with their hands and sleep there for the night.

    Will and Brooke still slept in the same small hole. It had been exactly four years since that night, and nothing had changed. Nothing at all.

    Tell me which one you like more! I’ll continue the story based off of that.

    • Ryan M. November 30, 2011 at 8:45 pm #

      I think I’m going to go with the second choice, the flashback. People in class have been telling me they like that one better.

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